Cinder-Livvy

Cinder-Livvy

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hard Question

I was reading the blog of a fellow heart mom who lost her baby last year after a courageous battle against HLHS and was struck by a question she put out there.  It was probably over a month ago now and I wake up asking myself the same question and to this day I'm still not really sure of my answer.  Her very profound question felt like it was directed at me even though I know she meant it broadly.  It was simply for all of us that go on to say how blessed and thankful we are in our current lives - would we feel equally as blessed and thankful if things hadn't turned out the way that we wanted? 

I really took that to heart, such a simple question and no simple answer.  Would I feel as blessed and thankful with the world if I was in her situation and had to bury my baby?  I'd like to say that I would, but if I were being a 100% honest with myself and everyone else, the answer is No.  If things had gone differently and Olivia had only ever lived to see the inside of a hospital, I would probably be a really miserable bitter person right about now. But I have this beautiful little person that wakes us up in the middle of the night if for nothing more just to make sure that someone's there to hear her cries.  Monday night she absolutely refused to go to sleep for whatever reason and I got to rock her to sleep for the first time in ages and I was struck by the fact that it could be one of the very last times that I get to do that with her seeing as how she's getting so big so quickly.  Those are the moments that define my true feelings of being blessed and thankful for the time that we've been given. 

There's a song out on country radio right now that gives me goosebumps every time I hear it and especially during heart awareness week it has extra meaning...it's by The Band Perry and called "If I Die Young".  I bolded the words that I find particularly applicable to all the parents that have lost children or fear it like a heart parent does. 

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

1 in 100 - Spread Awareness, Spread Hope

4 comments:

  1. That song gets me everytime I hear it. I always end up thinking of all of the families we know who have had to do the unthinkable- bury their child. Just reading the words made me cry. I remember reading that question also and really thought about it myself. I have to agree with you. I would like to say yes also, but I couldn't honestly. What a great post Lisa. (besides the fact that I am sitting at my desk in tears at 9am. ;) )

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  2. I love that song and cry every time I hear it. I listen to country music, so I hear it a lot. It reminds me to be thankful for everything we have and the time we all have on earth.

    Back to the hard question...would I feel blessed if things had turned out differently? I would like to think so, but I really don't think I would feel as blessed. I feel pretty bad about that, but I guess if I am being honest...I would feel blessed with the time we got to spend with Hope. I wonder that even today...if something were to happen, would I feel blessed and the answer is yes...for the time we have been able to spend with her.

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  3. I am going to be up lifting and say she is so freakin cute. Can't believe how big since I have seen her last.

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  4. Oh my gosh....that song brings me to TEARS! I can't even listen any more...I have to change the channel.

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