Wednesday, December 19, 2012

On the Brink

Tomorrow's a turning point in one way or another for Miss Liv.  It's her second biopsy looking for rejection, assuming she gets a passing grade, it's green lights back to the place she calls H-O-M-E.  If there's a level of rejection that the doctors deem concerning, it's back to the hospital for IV meds to get it under control.  Either way, today we are on the brink of freedom or confinement.

Mommy is on the brink of running out of the RMH screaming.  Since this one is so much larger than the one in Oak Lawn, Children's really takes advantage of using it as an outpatient center.  There are so many more acute cases of children with illness and injuries.  It is an incredibly sobering experience and difficult many of the days even though I know and understand that things for Olivia and the family could be so much worse.  Do not misunderstand me, I am so appreciative of the good fortune bestowed upon us - I am just having a hard time facing the bad, really bad times that everyone else is facing on a daily basis.  There are healthy siblings here completely neglected by their parents because of the sick sibling.  There are the teenagers that are here with acute head injuries wheelchair bound that are non verbal and at the mercy of their caretakers.  The super sweet ridiculously precious families that just cannot catch a break of good luck if their lives depended on it and it makes me hurt to an overwhelming amount.

My problems, Olivia's problems, they are trivial and pale in comparison.  My biggest frustration is managing a good work/Liv balance where I'm either equally pleasing or displeasing everyone.  Family friends said goodbye to their mother this week, a situation I would also deem unbearable.  It is the holidays and what I want is for everyone's problems to magically disappear for a minute and for people to not face such serious issues as money for their next meal, life saving medical decisions, a roof over there head.  Alas, I know this isn't possible and it has me literally breathless with heartache.  So for today, I am on the brink of helplessness  but I know that I have a little girl who fills me with such love and hope that I cannot give up or back down and need to just keep facing my fears right in the face.

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