We are nearing the Glenn and with that or any other invasive procedure comes the mental preparation for all that Olivia, Brian and I will face with the surgery and Olivia's overall recovery. I had so much time before the Norwood, from week 20 of my pregnancy on to think and stew about it over and over how giving away our baby girl would be when the time came for her surgery. I think by the time the surgical day rolled around I was numb to the emotions because of pain, sleep deprivation and shock to the whole delivery that it just didn't seem to shake me the way I thought it should have or would have.
This time around, I haven't had as much time to think the whole process through. We've been too busy focusing on the wonderful ups and small downs with Olivia's day to day to look too far in the future. I do know that when we go in for the pre-op appointment I'll have to sign the consent forms that warn us against all the risks ranging from infections to strokes and/or death. It's the third time in Olivia's life that I'll be signing off on those terms but it's been very clear from the start of our journey with HLHS, either we go the surgical route or we bury our baby.
Based on all the heart families out there, July has been a hard month on our little ones. There have been some babies that are now angels watching over the rest of those that continue on, those that are fighting for their lives today and those parents that are having to contemplate signing off on DNR's or end of life care for their little ones. Knowing that's going on somewhere out there for another set of heart parents (or just parents in general) just makes it that much more rewarding when I end my workday to get home to Olivia. I never want to entertain the idea that one day she may not be here with us, but that is our reality so I try to cherish each day as it comes.