Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Words Fail Me

Last Friday as most of you already know Olivia had her sixth biopsy since the transplant.  Most of you also know that she rocked it!  The results showed she has ZERO REJECTION!!!  That doesn't mean that she will be rejection free forever or that even the next biopsy won't show rejection, but in that moment for March 1st - everything is and was looking good.  Even that dreaded BNP number is the lowest it's been the transplant which is such good news.  

I however am starting to show the signs of wear and tear from the whole journey. Brian asked me earlier in the week if I was feeling any nerves and I said I wasn't but on Thursday, I had a moment of sheer terror thinking that the biopsy on Friday would bring nothing but bad to horrible news.  I went over every inch of Livvy on Wednesday night, thinking that I saw some edema outside of the chipmunk cheeks.  I thought her hands looked a bit puffy, I pulled down her socks convinced I would find some pitting (fluid accumulation) and didn't but looked until Livvy got annoyed with me and demanded that I put her sock back on.  I just knew that the BNP was going to be through the roof and some of the mopeyness that Nonna had been reporting was going to be a sign that she was going back into heart failure.

Normally I mentally lay out everything in advance of a check up or biopsy - if it shows rejection we will do this...if things are going well, clinic will be approximately two weeks out.  But this time, I just couldn't.  I was certain that this beautiful transplanted heart was not only in rejection but strained and in failure too.  What does one do when this is where we land?  Not only was I so convinced of this, but when the news and results started to roll in on Friday, I still couldn't mentally wrap my mind around all of it.  To try and articulate exactly what I thought or what I feared would happen is inexplicable.  I know that the only fear I have is waking up one day without my daughter living and breathing.  Everything else outside of that is manageable and even though that wasn't what was really gnawing at me (not more than usual), I cannot explain it.  

All of my worrying and anxiety about the whole event sort of kiboshed much of a celebratory weekend since I was laid up with a terrible migraine.  Miss Olivia and I did make up for it last night though with a Mommy-Daughter date.  I have a super cute Mickey Iphone case now that she picked out while we were getting our retail therapy on and she has some adorable Minnie Mouse barrettes as well!  We also had to visit the puppies. I'm not sure Liv knew what to make of the wiggly little spaz puppy as seen below.  She does love herself some puppies though.

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