"Fix You" by Coldplay

A heart mama that recently buried her little girl mentioned how they played this song at their baby's wake and how relevant her and her family found the song.  I either hadn't heard the song before now or didn't really listen closely to the words on the radio.  This morning I finally listened to it and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I can see how the words bring solace to the families of lost loved ones by talking of their loved ones watching over their broken and bereaved families.  The angel wanting to bring them comfort and "fix them" - helping them move through their day to day and carry on living.

Each week brings more babies and children passing on.  Sometimes they never made it out of the hospital after birth and sometimes completely suddenly and without warning while in the midst of living and making memories with their families.  The ones that hit me hardest are the ones around Olivia's age, but I've also found that kiddos that were past the Fontan living a really full life either with a transplant or Fontan circulation are giving me more angst than they used to.  There's never going to be an out of the woods or a "phew we made it and now we're on the other side of the battle".  

In the last two weeks Olivia's personality has been a bit of a bear by the time we get home from work.  Literally most of the hours we're spending with her Monday through Friday are tantrums and early bedtimes and I feel cheated.  I feel like we're coming home burnt out from stress and exhaustion of being at work all day only to be cheated out of fun times with the Livster because it's just moving up from one meltdown to another.  I know that all of the parents that have lost their little ones would take a crummy cranky lifetime with their babes over no days at all, I know that when I sit in quiet and reflect.  In the moment though, it's tough to sit there and let her continue to scream and cry from over exhaustion.  So my little wish is these teeth come in and "No Nap Olivia" goes on a little vacation and Miss Olivia comes back to play and enjoy the few hours she has with her parents every night.  I love that little girl to bits and pieces and never want to take a moment with her for granted