Cinder-Livvy

Cinder-Livvy

Monday, March 12, 2012

My Motherly Anxiety

Saturday morning I took Miss Liv to the mall to get some portraits done to mark her second birthday.  The portraits went over pretty well albeit it Livvy was a little stingy with her smiles. As part of her reward for being so reasonable, I said we could go walk the mall and to her favorite store there called "Furry Babies".  If you've never heard of it, it's a store that keeps puppies in real actual cribs for purchase and then also a high end pet store.  I think it's kind of creepy but she loves to look at the puppies or remark how "sshhhhh" and makes the sleeping sign about the ones curled up napping.  

The day was getting by us and I didn't really want to continue to let her lollygag around knowing that I still needed to get her lunch and back to the house for naptime.  So what's a mom to do that doesn't bring the stroller in?  Why carry her 27lb daughter of course!  I scooped her up and began walking towards the store I parked the car.  As we were walking, a teenager in a hurry ran by us and brushed my shoulder and got me a little off balance.  Liv's no cream puff and I kind of staggered, put her down so we both didn't face plant.  And then, don't ask me why, but I completely played out a horrific "what could have been scene".  The mall that we were at is two stories and the upstairs has glass partitions to allow people above to look down below.  Normally Olivia likes to walk along that partition to watch everything going down below her and I'll walk by her side.  All I could think of is what if I had been carrying her near the banister over looking the first floor when that teenager ran past us?  What if I had lost my balance and Olivia actually went over the railing?  I couldn't breathe and I felt sick.  So sick that I actually had to stop and sit for a second so I didn't throw up in public. 

I have no idea why I let my mind wander there and go into such gory detail but I couldn't stop it once it started.  Once the nausea passed, we continued on with our day, but I've replayed that image often since then.  I know for certain if I ever pick her up again while we're walking the second floor, I will always stay in the middle of the walkways far away from the railing in the event I were to trip and fall on my own.  

3 comments:

  1. Oh Lisa- I TOTALLY understand this. I wrote a big blog post not that long ago about feeling like the bottom is going to fall out. I seriously found myself imagining worst case scenarios to EVERYTHING. I wish I could tell you that I found some miracle way to get over, but I still do it. But by getting it out and hearing from a bunch of ther parents that they did it to, I've been able to let it go a little. You're not alone mama- my anxiety is crazy weird too. :)

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  2. I have the same visions of paranoya for some reason, what if that car didn't stop, what if I tripped down my stairs, what if... even as I'm driving alone. I don't even share this with my husband because I feel like i'm driving myself insane, I hope for our sake we get over it soon or ease

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  3. Um...I'd say that's called being a mom. ;-)

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